gipsiidanger:

aviculor:

westbor0baptistchurch:

I Was Trying To Be Funny But It Came Out as Really Mean: A 5-part documentary starring me.

I Was Trying To Be Loving And Supportive But I Probably Overstepped My Boundaries And Came Off as Creepy: a feature-length film with two sequels and a TV series adaption.

I Was Trying To Tell You I Relate To Your Difficult Situation But It Probably Sounded Like I Was Making It All About Me: a novel saga with several side book adaptions and a movie.

obsessively-blogging:

My parents have been married for 19 years and together for 20 and I asked them what they were doing for valentines and they both looked so disgusted and said it was commercial and they hated it and then my dad said to me that every year he sends her flowers her favourite chocolates and a card pretending to be a secret admirer because although they think it’s a stupid holiday he wants her to have chocolate and then I went to my mum and asked about her secret admirer and she said it was a running joke between them cause my dad spends the day saying he’s gonna beat up her secret admirer and they both know it’s him but it’s been going for twenty years and my mum keeps the cards and if that isn’t love idk what is

severeni:

blujayonthewing:

langernameohnebedeutung:

langernameohnebedeutung:

Norse mythology fails to convey the sense of terror that must have hung over Asgard every time Loki was gone for longer than eight months and three weeks

#okay but imagine the betting pool#is it gonna be half undead?#horse with too many legs?#a giant fuck off snake?#who knows! ( @much-ado-about-mothing​)

Loki, holding up the newest baby Lion King-style: IT’S!!!!! A WOLF!!!”

underneath the rock: *dozens of creatures from all over Nine Realms muttering quietly, exchanging money*

#you fools  #wolves gestate for only 2-3 months #and horses can be pregnant for over a year! #there is no period of time that they can relax for #literally any time he’s out of their immediate supervision #he might be coming back with another harbinger of ragnarok #bundled up in nappies [X]

I love Loki

Just imagine being that-non-binary-giant-who-gave-birth-to-all-the-legendary-beasts-half-of-which-will-cause-Rgnarök

nobody-told-the-horse:

noble-moon:

simplyfx:

annlarimer:

disparition:

where I grew up in California not only is “dude” generally non-gender-specific, half of the time it doesn’t even refer to a person at all.

I said it to a faucet today. 

A customer once came to me to order a sandwich and said “I want this dude”

Dude is more than a word, it’s an emotion. 

dude is a way of life

sapphireswimming:

ubercharge:

siketreeker:

showerthoughtsofficial:

People often say they hope their deceased pet dog is chasing squirrels in doggy heaven… what did all of those squirrels do to deserve an afterlife of torment?

Dog heaven is also squirrel hell it’s a very efficient system.

i can’t stop fucking laughing at the thought of squirrels sinning so much in the mortal plane that they have to be sent to squirrel hell to atone

They know that the bird feeder isn’t meant for them

phsfg:

interstellarvagabond:

jomjjeoro:

hey guys. this is my invention. check it out

listen no matter how depressed I am whenever this post shows up on my dash I fucking lose it I just laugh so hard, it’s such a good post. The way it’s presented? Soap on a sink nozzle, okay clearly this is some sort of handwashing appliance. Then there’s just water going everywhere no further explanation it’s so good I’m so happy

Can I also have a designated “funny post explainer” on all my text posts, I’m a pretty funny pal