i had to watch this like 5 times because of no captions but lmao if someone makes a transcript for this it would be bomb
transcript: “So we have these Santas at work, right, okay? We have black and we have white Santas. And they’re like creepy, five-foot tall, lifelike animatronic… like, Santas that hold plates of cookies and milk, and they kinda look like they could wake up and come to life and murder you in your sleep– and they don’t include batteries, but we have these Santas. Like nothing screams ‘festive holiday cheer’ like a big, hulking Santa. Um. Nothin’ will jingle your jangles more. So, um, this woman comes in and she’s like, “Do you have these?” and I’m like, “Oh my god, yeah!” So a couple weeks ago we sold out of our white Santas, and we are down to like, three black Santas. And so, I take her to the aisle, I show her the Santas, and the first thing out of her mouth is, “I’m not racist, but…” and I’m like, well, I can’t– I’m not in the position to decide if you are or not, but if like– if I could use context clues and infer, uh, I would say maybe that you might be. And three, we’re talking about Santa. Like– (stuttering) did we switch subjects? And so, um, I’m in like, I– the next thing that pops out of her mouth is like, “This is not right.” and I’m like, okay, I’m sorry, but this is what the picture was. And she’s like, “No. Santa is white.” And I’m like, oh no, okay. Okay. So I’m in– I’m about to tell her, I’m like, mid-sentence, like, “I’m sorry, do you want me to go call another store, do you need me to, like, write you a raincheck just in case we we get any more.” And she’s like, “This is wrong, I want them taken down.” She interrupts me, says that, and I’m like, (pause). I like, look around, and I’m like, is she talking to me? Is this, like, my own, like, personal hell? But like, of course it is. So, um, I’m like, “I can’t take these Santas down.” And she’s like, “Why not?!” And I’m like, “You either have to buy them, or take them down yourself.” And that was like, the stupidest thing I could have ever said, because– (sighs) she takes this bag, with like, Jesus’s face, like, slammed right in the middle as a design– it’s big– she takes it off her shoulder, and starts beating these black Santas! She starts beating these Santas down, they were like, falling down… and I’m like, oh my god! What– what is happening? So like, I step in the middle of her and these Santas and I’m like, “Ma’am, ma’am, you need to leave, you need to stop, or I’m going to have to call someone.” So she like, stops, and she’s like, beet red, and like, huffin’ and puffin’, and she like, looks at me and I can tell she’s just trying to get like, a one-liner in, and she’s like, “The Santa I know is white.” And then she walks away. And I’m like, well– I’m processing what’s happening, while also thinking, like, the Santa you know? Santa’s not real. So unless you’re using an ouija board to contact good old Kris Kringle, um, from like, B.C. or whenever, I’m like, that’s pretty impressive, but how ya doin’ that. And, um, I– the last thought that ran through my mind is that, I’m like, I would hate to be in the room with her when she finds out that Jesus is not white.”
yall i remember that one post that said george blagden’s bottles were filled with grape juice while filming les mis and CAN YOU IMAGINE what if R actually just drinks bottles and bottles of grape juice and everyone just assumes it’s alcohol no one actually knows what’s in it and R never bothered to tell anyone so every time someone gives him the Disappointed Look™️ when they see him drinking he’s like???? why do they have a problem with me drinking juice?? why do all my friends hAtE mE????
AND ONE DAY during a meeting someone (let’s say courfeyrac) goes hey R can i have some of that and he’s like yeah sure and the MOMENT he realises what he’s drinking he spits a mouthful of GRAPE JUICE all over the place and he’s like “R IS THIS??? G R A P E JUICE??” and R just?? yes?? what did you think it was?
“and you’ve been drinking THIS the whole time?”
“uh yeah?? i just never understood why all of you have a problem with it. i mean yeah it’s not the best fruit juice yknow like apple juice is great and all but i personally pre-“
“R HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING GRAPE JUICE AND ONLY GRAPE JUICE IN THOSE BOTTLES THE W H O L E TIME?”
“yes? did you.. did you only just find out?”
“GRANTAIRE WE THOUGHT YOU HAD A DRINKING PROBLEM WE WERE ALL GENUINELY CONCERNED FOR YOU”
“I HAVENT HAD ALCOHOL IN 2 YEARS”
and everyone just.. the meeting doesn’t even happen because everyone just needs to lie down.
BONUS:
“wait a minute… if you’ve been sober all this time then why do you.. you know.. why have you been acting so?? intoxicated? we were all so convinced you were always ALWAYS drunk because of how you act”
My mom teaches Kindergarten and I went to her classroom a few days ago and saw what appeared to be a small shrine dedicated to Jodie Foster in the corner of the room and I had literally no idea why it was there, so I asked my mom about it and she said it’s where the kids can go to tattle on each other so they don’t always do it to her
So basically my mom tells her little Kindergarteners to tell on each other to a magazine clipping of Jodie Foster that they call Miss Tattle and if you don’t think that’s the funniest thing then get out of my face
OMG, I can’t.
Oh man yeah this is a super common thing, we have one of these in my preschool room, too, except ours is a picture of Obama. When the kids are upset or angry or want to tattle or whatever they “Go tell the President” and its my favorite thing.
QueerGalaxies 